I'm going to Hell

This is the truest story I can tell
These are my bones



Living here is hard for me in certain aspects
I think I would be fine if I were new to Cedar Hills, Utah
but I'm not
been here my whole life

Some people I go to school with I've known my whole life
and some I only met a few days ago
nothing special there, really
but the people that have known me longer
it feels like they have an expectation of me
to be,
and to act a certain way
to the people I met before July 2014
I'm expected to leave on my mission after High School
I am a Priesthood leader
a person with near perfect mutual and church attendance
a person with an even better school attendance
but the embodiment of that person  is gone

This is my story about why I chose to leave the LDS Church

This story isn't about who is right and who is wrong
because that only creates argument and makes people bitter
what is important, however
is the process of coming to terms that what I'd grown up believing wasn't true to me anymore
had a devastating impact on me
and today I feel good talking about it

I grew up in a very strong LDS family
we tried to read our scriptures at least a few times a week
and covered a lot of doctrine outside of the BoM as well
we went to church every week, even on vacation
we paid our tithing and said our prayers
but I would be lying if I said our family is strong outside of the church

In my family we fight like other families
but sometimes things get out of hand
sometimes it seems like the arguing never ends
My family goes to church on sundays and plans on being together for eternity
but the silence between us
as we realize we don't have anything to talk about
makes eternity seem like too much
I turn up the stereo so that it doesn't feel like a conversation is supposed to be happening

About two years ago
during an episode of watching my dad spank my little brother
for not sitting still during family prayer
I realized something profound
I realized that I was afraid of the fatherly figures in my life
which would include my dad, priesthood leaders, heavenly father, ect.
the reason I had good grades
the reason I went to church
the reason I was nice to my siblings
was because
I was afraid of the consequences
That was the moment where I realized
I did good things for all the wrong reasons

One of the big one's was church
I'd been a Deacon's quorum president
Teacher's 1st counselor
and a prominent member of the Priest's quorum at the time
I read my scripture assignments from church
and said my prayers almost every day
and I enjoyed it
but there were some things about the church I didn't enjoy
I had a few concerns with some of my beliefs that differed from that church
as well as a few controversial doctrines that always bothered me

I had been taught to love everybody, and that is something I sincerely strive for
Maybe some people made a choice to be homosexual, but it's been proven that the overwhelming majority of homosexual people are born that way.
That conflicts heavily with what the church teaches.
The church teaches that they are wrong for being that way, and that they are imperfect and that who they are, and what they do, and the air they breathe, all revolves around "counterfeit love".
That the way they feel and think about somebody when they lay in bed at night, and the emotion it brings to interact with and be a part of this person's life, is all wrong.
and why is it wrong?
they didn't choose this
this is simply how they feel
but I can't argue with God
He created them this way

wait

God created them this way?
So you're telling me that there is an ever loving god out there who created people to live life on this earth, and to feel love towards another person, and to want to be a part of another person's life and that the correct way to live their life is to do none of that.
To reject who they are
You're telling me that those missionaries that come home early and go to LDS counselors talking to them about their unnatural feelings that they had about their companion, and that when the counselors tell them to try to date women to "cure them of their disease" that you believe that is a good idea.
Isn't the whole point of dating trying to meet people and understand other people and potentially meet somebody you want to spend the rest of your life with. Not always, according to the church.
Dating and marriage aren't only reserved for those that are in love. It's for those who are trying to find an antidote to their entire existence through another person, apparently...
It isn't fair
It isn't fair for the gay missionary who knows that this relationship isn't real
It isn't fair for the naive young woman who believes they are in love.
But the story almost ends up being the same, and it encompasses the word "Misery".
Sometime down the road, one of the two will have a realization that what they have been living is a lie, and it's going to have a lifetime effect on more than just them now
Children, Parents, Siblings, everybody that knows them has to deal with it
And you sit here and tell me that all men are created equal?
I don't know if my conscience as a person lets me believe that.

But to reiterate
All men are created equal
all men born after 1978 that is.
Black people weren't allowed to have the priesthood before that year.
Are they not men like the rest of us?
I understand that issues with segregation were going on at the time
but does America's issues with society change the word of God?
Ok so maybe the new doctrine should be
"All men are created equal, sometimes"

But does "all men" encompass women too?
I've been taught that "all men" encompasses everybody, but is that really true in the church?
I understand that women have different physical parts, and different fluids running through their bodies
but why should that change who can and can't hold the priesthood
why is it that women are discouraged to get their own education and become independent people?
Well in the family household, the man is the patriarch of the family according to the church.
So women being more independent might make it harder for the man to take charge of the family like he should....
Because marriage isn't equal apparently.
Not even inside of the temple
Inside of the temple men are to "look towards God" and women are to "look to their husbands".
Why can't they both be looking to God? Or both to each other at least.

Believe it or not the temple actually was "the last straw that broke the camel's back"
or the last bit of knowledge to "collapse my shelf" as some people like to call it
Basically all of these thoughts in the last few paragraphs had been stored in the back of my head from the time that I learned about them.
Stored on a mental shelf
these are the kinds of thoughts that when you hear them you might think to yourself
"I don't know if I totally agree with that" or something along those lines
the thoughts that you can try to shrug off by saying to yourself, "well the church is true 100% so no reason to worry about it"
but its there in your head
and its totally real
everybody has it

It was on July 27, 2014 that my shelf collapsed completely.
I came home from work that night and stumbled upon a link that was a video that showed what happened during an endowment session inside of the temple.
I instantly hesitated to do anything because I had been taught my whole life that it is a sacred ordinance not a secret one, and didn't want to spoil it
At this point in my life I wasn't really looking to serve a mission
and with all these thoughts mentioned previously bothering me
I clicked on that link.

The next few minutes consisted of complete and absolute shock
I distinctly remember this thought that came to me a few minutes into the video and it came from the essence of my being and from everything I embodied as a person

"This is it. This is what my whole religion is about. I actually can't believe anything that I am watching has any parallels with my religion. This can't be the same religion"

But to my surprise it was
I would learn later that what I was watching were rituals essentially identical to masonic rituals, and that Hyrum Smith was a well known and prominent Mason.

But that was it. My shelf came tumbling down in those few minutes.
I felt pretty awful in general, but I also felt relieved and comforted to some degree
That chapter in my life was over.
Or at least I thought it was

I felt like I had no purpose in life
I had lost everything I believed in life
I had every good reason to keep believing it all though
I wanted to believe that maybe one day I would see my mother again in heaven
but not one bit of me could believe that it was through these temple rituals and handshakes
that would reunite me

In November (a few months after I had mentally quit) until the end of January
I had essentially fallen off the face of the earth
I became nihilistic about everything in my life
Sudennly, or at least it seemed
everything in my life became completely meaningless
I stopped practicing guitar
getting up for school
talking to my friends at school
doing my homework
working hard at anything, really
and during all of this the one person I used to feel like I could talk to (God)
wasn't there

I
had
nobody

I was stressed out more than I'd ever been
My eyes were bagged, and sore
I couldn't sleep easily anymore
I went to school but couldn't think
Day to day I felt dizzy
I wasn't able to function properly
My life was crumbling around me
but I just lied in the rubble and tried to sleep it all away

Eventually I started to stand up for myself
I started to understand that I was ok for thinking this way
I accepted myself for who I was
and understood that I was just trying to be the best person I could
and that whether it involved a church or not was irrelevant

in the end
the person who will be judging your life hardest
isn't the preacher you choose to listen to
it's yourself

Thanks for reading
Ashton Young