The Void

I am motionless
my head rested at the foot of my bed
the evening sun is bleeding through my closed blinds
orange stripes
the ceiling fan whirs above me
its cycle is holding me
like an infant

I've been awake
but I cannot recollect the day
when will it be tomorrow

My body is frigid
my fingers are stiff
but my head is cooking
from my burning charcoal heart

I can feel it beating in my ears

My eyes are locked at the ceiling
but focused on nothing
another dead thought surfaces
in the back of my head

Suddenly, I am overcome with emotion
My chest weighs down on me
Every breath I take is conscious
and my lungs are fighting me
I feel motion sickness

I am overwhelmed with
Visions of the past
memories from dreams
leeching regrets
lost friends

my breaths are stuttering
the salty tears burning my eyes

the painful thoughts start to disappear
as I begin to realize
that the only thing that is important
is this bed and this ceiling fan

I am without direction
but I am hopeful

I find my way to the front door
step outside
and breathe in the toasted summer air

I don't know what tomorrow is
but I'm ready for it

Answers

I don't really know the way to describe how I feel right now

I feel nostalgic for a childhood that I never had
but it feels so real to me
I am cathartic everyday of my life

To the class of 2016

Junior year

I remember looking through my yearbook thinking

how sad I would be when I graduate because

of all the people I'd never see again

but now here I am senior year

graduation is days away

and I know exactly how I feel

Chances are I'll never see you again

and it doesn't bother me

at all

Right now you are hearing me

telling you the way I feel

and from the bottom of my heart

I sincerely do not give a shit if it is the last time that you hear my voice

but

let me tell you what does bother me

the hardest thing about graduating

from Lone Peak High School

is saying goodbye to the people

that I never even said hello to

Lone Peak Class of 2016

something like 900 people total

maybe somebody should keep a tally

800 is the number of your faces I've seen in the hall

500 is the number of first names and friends of friends

300 is the number of people I've talked to

but only 200 of those people care about the conversation

100 is the people who've thought of me outside of school

80 is the people who were only friends during that class period

50 is the people who asked me if I had plans that night

30 are strangers that I once knew

10 is the number of close friends

5 is the number of people I've cried with

4 is the hour at night my clock tells me as I lay in bed, awake and uneasy about school tomorrow

3 is the number of school dances I went to

2 many times I feel alone walking in these crowded hallways

1 is the number of people it takes to make an individual

0 is the number of suicides we've had this year
and 0 has never been so important

To the class of 2016

instead of saying goodbye

I want to introduce myself:

Hi, my name is Ashton

High on Life

If a normal life were a three book trilogy
My life would be a fan-fiction written by somebody who has only seen the movies
It never seems to go the way it should
but it don't matter
we just do what we do

I feel like sometimes we get caught up comparing our life experience to others
but it really doesn't make much sense
everybody has life experience
just because our experience is different doesn't make it less valuable
no matter how hard that is to believe at times

but
nobody says it better than Nas

"life's a bitch and then you die
that's why we get high
cause you never know when you're gonna go"

to me
I get that high from life by doing the things that I love
and last night was a great reminder of that
I drove up to the Earl Sweatshirt concert with two of my close friends
and it was one of the days where no matter what seemed to go wrong
everything felt right
it was an outdoor show and rained the entire time
the audience wasn't huge but
everybody moved as if we were one body
the air was hazy
half from the steam rising from rained-on jackets
and half from the cigarette smoke
we're all different people
but we come together for something we love

Life is never going to be consistently good or bad
but when we have chances for the highs and life
we make the best of them

We all sang along to Frank Ocean's Channel Orange album on the way home
We sang the words wrong sometimes
but we sang anyway
the album had never sounded better

I'm going to Hell

This is the truest story I can tell
These are my bones



Living here is hard for me in certain aspects
I think I would be fine if I were new to Cedar Hills, Utah
but I'm not
been here my whole life

Some people I go to school with I've known my whole life
and some I only met a few days ago
nothing special there, really
but the people that have known me longer
it feels like they have an expectation of me
to be,
and to act a certain way
to the people I met before July 2014
I'm expected to leave on my mission after High School
I am a Priesthood leader
a person with near perfect mutual and church attendance
a person with an even better school attendance
but the embodiment of that person  is gone

This is my story about why I chose to leave the LDS Church

This story isn't about who is right and who is wrong
because that only creates argument and makes people bitter
what is important, however
is the process of coming to terms that what I'd grown up believing wasn't true to me anymore
had a devastating impact on me
and today I feel good talking about it

I grew up in a very strong LDS family
we tried to read our scriptures at least a few times a week
and covered a lot of doctrine outside of the BoM as well
we went to church every week, even on vacation
we paid our tithing and said our prayers
but I would be lying if I said our family is strong outside of the church

In my family we fight like other families
but sometimes things get out of hand
sometimes it seems like the arguing never ends
My family goes to church on sundays and plans on being together for eternity
but the silence between us
as we realize we don't have anything to talk about
makes eternity seem like too much
I turn up the stereo so that it doesn't feel like a conversation is supposed to be happening

About two years ago
during an episode of watching my dad spank my little brother
for not sitting still during family prayer
I realized something profound
I realized that I was afraid of the fatherly figures in my life
which would include my dad, priesthood leaders, heavenly father, ect.
the reason I had good grades
the reason I went to church
the reason I was nice to my siblings
was because
I was afraid of the consequences
That was the moment where I realized
I did good things for all the wrong reasons

One of the big one's was church
I'd been a Deacon's quorum president
Teacher's 1st counselor
and a prominent member of the Priest's quorum at the time
I read my scripture assignments from church
and said my prayers almost every day
and I enjoyed it
but there were some things about the church I didn't enjoy
I had a few concerns with some of my beliefs that differed from that church
as well as a few controversial doctrines that always bothered me

I had been taught to love everybody, and that is something I sincerely strive for
Maybe some people made a choice to be homosexual, but it's been proven that the overwhelming majority of homosexual people are born that way.
That conflicts heavily with what the church teaches.
The church teaches that they are wrong for being that way, and that they are imperfect and that who they are, and what they do, and the air they breathe, all revolves around "counterfeit love".
That the way they feel and think about somebody when they lay in bed at night, and the emotion it brings to interact with and be a part of this person's life, is all wrong.
and why is it wrong?
they didn't choose this
this is simply how they feel
but I can't argue with God
He created them this way

wait

God created them this way?
So you're telling me that there is an ever loving god out there who created people to live life on this earth, and to feel love towards another person, and to want to be a part of another person's life and that the correct way to live their life is to do none of that.
To reject who they are
You're telling me that those missionaries that come home early and go to LDS counselors talking to them about their unnatural feelings that they had about their companion, and that when the counselors tell them to try to date women to "cure them of their disease" that you believe that is a good idea.
Isn't the whole point of dating trying to meet people and understand other people and potentially meet somebody you want to spend the rest of your life with. Not always, according to the church.
Dating and marriage aren't only reserved for those that are in love. It's for those who are trying to find an antidote to their entire existence through another person, apparently...
It isn't fair
It isn't fair for the gay missionary who knows that this relationship isn't real
It isn't fair for the naive young woman who believes they are in love.
But the story almost ends up being the same, and it encompasses the word "Misery".
Sometime down the road, one of the two will have a realization that what they have been living is a lie, and it's going to have a lifetime effect on more than just them now
Children, Parents, Siblings, everybody that knows them has to deal with it
And you sit here and tell me that all men are created equal?
I don't know if my conscience as a person lets me believe that.

But to reiterate
All men are created equal
all men born after 1978 that is.
Black people weren't allowed to have the priesthood before that year.
Are they not men like the rest of us?
I understand that issues with segregation were going on at the time
but does America's issues with society change the word of God?
Ok so maybe the new doctrine should be
"All men are created equal, sometimes"

But does "all men" encompass women too?
I've been taught that "all men" encompasses everybody, but is that really true in the church?
I understand that women have different physical parts, and different fluids running through their bodies
but why should that change who can and can't hold the priesthood
why is it that women are discouraged to get their own education and become independent people?
Well in the family household, the man is the patriarch of the family according to the church.
So women being more independent might make it harder for the man to take charge of the family like he should....
Because marriage isn't equal apparently.
Not even inside of the temple
Inside of the temple men are to "look towards God" and women are to "look to their husbands".
Why can't they both be looking to God? Or both to each other at least.

Believe it or not the temple actually was "the last straw that broke the camel's back"
or the last bit of knowledge to "collapse my shelf" as some people like to call it
Basically all of these thoughts in the last few paragraphs had been stored in the back of my head from the time that I learned about them.
Stored on a mental shelf
these are the kinds of thoughts that when you hear them you might think to yourself
"I don't know if I totally agree with that" or something along those lines
the thoughts that you can try to shrug off by saying to yourself, "well the church is true 100% so no reason to worry about it"
but its there in your head
and its totally real
everybody has it

It was on July 27, 2014 that my shelf collapsed completely.
I came home from work that night and stumbled upon a link that was a video that showed what happened during an endowment session inside of the temple.
I instantly hesitated to do anything because I had been taught my whole life that it is a sacred ordinance not a secret one, and didn't want to spoil it
At this point in my life I wasn't really looking to serve a mission
and with all these thoughts mentioned previously bothering me
I clicked on that link.

The next few minutes consisted of complete and absolute shock
I distinctly remember this thought that came to me a few minutes into the video and it came from the essence of my being and from everything I embodied as a person

"This is it. This is what my whole religion is about. I actually can't believe anything that I am watching has any parallels with my religion. This can't be the same religion"

But to my surprise it was
I would learn later that what I was watching were rituals essentially identical to masonic rituals, and that Hyrum Smith was a well known and prominent Mason.

But that was it. My shelf came tumbling down in those few minutes.
I felt pretty awful in general, but I also felt relieved and comforted to some degree
That chapter in my life was over.
Or at least I thought it was

I felt like I had no purpose in life
I had lost everything I believed in life
I had every good reason to keep believing it all though
I wanted to believe that maybe one day I would see my mother again in heaven
but not one bit of me could believe that it was through these temple rituals and handshakes
that would reunite me

In November (a few months after I had mentally quit) until the end of January
I had essentially fallen off the face of the earth
I became nihilistic about everything in my life
Sudennly, or at least it seemed
everything in my life became completely meaningless
I stopped practicing guitar
getting up for school
talking to my friends at school
doing my homework
working hard at anything, really
and during all of this the one person I used to feel like I could talk to (God)
wasn't there

I
had
nobody

I was stressed out more than I'd ever been
My eyes were bagged, and sore
I couldn't sleep easily anymore
I went to school but couldn't think
Day to day I felt dizzy
I wasn't able to function properly
My life was crumbling around me
but I just lied in the rubble and tried to sleep it all away

Eventually I started to stand up for myself
I started to understand that I was ok for thinking this way
I accepted myself for who I was
and understood that I was just trying to be the best person I could
and that whether it involved a church or not was irrelevant

in the end
the person who will be judging your life hardest
isn't the preacher you choose to listen to
it's yourself

Thanks for reading
Ashton Young

The B.I.G. Reveal !

---------------->    Click here for the reveal !    <------------------

These Moments

I was the person who made the "These Moments" journal page that Nelson showed to the class
I heard that few people thought that the idea was cool or something
and Nelson said something along the lines of "It makes me want to look up all these songs"

so

I've gone through and linked them a little behind of where the moment happens
so that you can get some context of the song
the yellow is when the moment is though, just in case you miss it

this reminds me of nelson's activity of the beautiful lines vs the tragic lines
many of these could go both ways
but click on one and listen in

these moments...

Storm - Godspeed You! Black Emporer [0:00]

Greet Death - Explosions in the Sky [5:12]

Easier - Grizzly Bear [5:12]

There Will Always Be Somebody Behind You - Maserati [3:58]

New Map - M83 [3:08]

Reedemer - Godspeed You! Black Emporer [10:25] 

(really this is less of a moment and more of a beginning of a long serene section. lasts until 21min marker for those who want to listen. One of my favorite things I've ever listened to)

Sultans of El Sur - The Mercury Program [3:45]

The Only Moment We Were Alone - Explosions in the Sky [8:23]

Cowboy Dan - Modest Mouse [2:20]

 - another great moment at [4:54] -

Marla - Grizzly Bear [1:53]

Chart #3 - Godspeed You! Black Emporer [the song]

Welcome, Ghosts - Explosions in the Sky [5:02]

Spaghetti Junction - Outkast [0:22]

Will Calls (Marfa Demo) - Grizzly Bear [1:45]

Past it Pastures - Precious Fathers [2:30]

Antennas to Heaven - Godspeed You! Black Emporer [10:10]

Ambassador of Cinema - Maserati [3:43]

Climbing up the Walls - Radiohead [4:02]

Freeze Frame Vision - Moonlit Sailor [2:46]

Svefn-g-englar - Sigur Ros [1:21]

Good Morning, Captain - Slint [6:40]

The last 3 songs close the list because they are closing songs on their respective albums

Foreground - Grizzly Bear [2:48]

Providence - Godspeed You! Black Emporer [17:40-21:00]

The Tree - Working For a Nuclear Free City [the song]

I understand this is a bunch to look at/listen to, but if nothing else check out the last 3

Please comment one of your favorite moments

Small Victories

Click here before you read the post


This week was a win for me

- I looked through old recordings of myself from 2012-2014
- I was excited to go to school
- Enjoyed a good time with old friends
- Found two jackets that were previously missing
- Found an old Kanye West CD that I had forgotten about since it was missing for something like six years. It sounds fantastic in my car
- No more attendance school for term 3 thank god


Although this week wasn't a loss for me
it was a loss for the world
Today I found and read this:

"Knowing that an individual death is meaningless - any individual
death, especially your own - that you are not a person, but a statistic
- and noticing, more each day, the countless deaths that occur around
you - of other people, of animals, of insects, of the sick and infirm, of
accident victims, of plants ripped from the earth and worms crushed
beneath the blades of plows - of authors in their rooms, scribbling out
desperate words in the backs of books no one will ever read- even the
shattering of molecular bonds, the disintegration of atomic structures,
happening in every moment, millions in each nanosecond, everywhere -

This is Deathconsciousness -
And It begs the question - “What is the point?"'

When I first read that I thought about a recent headline
about another bombing in an Iraq park
I thought about that headline
and how it included a number
it includes the number of people killed
a statistic
just like it said

It's awful
It's terrifying
It's depressing to think about the future of us
The future of you and me is depressing
We are the first generation in American history
that is expected to do worse financially than our parents
and with things like
pollution
terrorism
hatred
racism
political correctness
..how the hell are we supposed to take it on?

They say the future is uncertain, but I'm certain the future isn't something to look forward to

Why Are You so Afraid?

Fear is one of the most confusing emotions I've ever experienced

Why is it that fear is so varied
and so inconsistent

How is it that some people see clowns
and have chills sent through their back
but others see clowns and think of
the sun-blistering heat of a summer carnival

Does this mean that fear is a learned behavior?
but if that's the case

then why do most people have a common fear of spiders
or death
or heights

I would propose that it is because we are
uncertain of the outcomes
but we don't want to test it ourselves..

"What happens when we die?"
"How long would it take for me to fall from here.."
"......where did that spider go??"

But why do we have to know?
Why are we as humans so afraid of not knowing things

How do we even know that the fear I experience
is the same feeling that you call fear
how can both of these scenarios both describe real fear
when they are on such different levels

1. "I'm afraid of going up and saying hi to that girl"
2. "I'm afraid that my hopitalized mother isn't going to make it through the night. Who could ever replace her?"

I would argue that
it is completely embarassing
that those two things are both real fears
when the consequences aren't even comparable

Whoever wrote the book on fear must have died in the process
because I'm not convinced that he knew what he was talking about

fear is many things, and I don't know them all

the more I try to learn about fear
the less I understand about it
and that's terrifying

maybe the less I know

the better

Code of Life

Please prove to me that you aren't a robot
that what you have to say
is coming from a beating heart

Comment on here
the song that makes you feel alive
something that is so universal
it's almost tangible

I mean I'm not talking about the coolest word scheme
or the dopest beat or whatever
not even the most soulful singer
but just something plain and simple
something that everybody can have a sense of

This is a sense of nostalgia
This song makes me feel like I was 7 years old and
I would lay in the top bunk of my bed and stare at the white ceiling
the night light would illuminate the vague outlines
of the pasted ceiling and I would
make shapes in my head
of the ceiling
and make shapes
in my head
of all the things in life
and just
how simple life was
how simple it could be

This is my proof

Objects Permanence

The title of our journal page is
"I'd Like My Crayons Back Please"
but I'm not going to pretend like
my box of crayons isn't on a dusty shelf in my room
because that's exactly where they are

I'm an artist, a musician, a friend
I carry my "crayons" with me wherever I go
but If my crayons could talk
they would tell you
how much potential I had
and all of the things that I didn't create with them

They would tell you about how rarely I use them
and how they only get used enough
to keep the dust from collecting

At the end of the day
crayons are just tools
and what are tools without somebody to use them

Although

Without crayons life would be like a school hallway
lined with pictures that each child drew
and all of them were in black pen
There would be no expression
and
I can't express myself like I can
with my crayons

Maybe it's time that I take out some new coloring books...

Feeling Fresh

Different is not comfortable

but different is good

Today I was different because I posted on my blog

Yesterday I was different because I didn't go to work

In fact I quit my job

My life isn't worth 8$/hour right now because

I have the rest of my life to do that

I went with a friend I don't see too often and we rode ripstiks and longboards

down a hill in his neighborhood that I don't know

I got lost in the feeling of the sunlight on my arm

I felt the shivers and the happiness from being free for now

I did something different by inviting new people to a campfire

we listened to folk music and classic punk

as we roasted our brats on the sticks that we carved

Somebody started playing guitar and I started playing the harmonica

and he sang words to a song that none of us knew

not even himself

but we all knew how important this song was right now

I was different because instead of worrying about issues right now

I put my faith in the thought that I won't be here much longer

and that I can start a new life when I leave to go to college

I can get a fresh start

and fully experience and understand who I am

Different is not comfortable, but you quickly learn make yourself cozy

A place inside yourself

I wish that I could look into a mirror and not recognize who I am looking at
that I could see myself for the first time
because that way I could see what I look like from the viewpoint of a stranger
I wonder what a stranger would see
I wonder what you personally will think of me when we reveal who we are

I've known myself my whole life
and I know that when I look into a mirror
there is one thing that has always come to mind

u n s u r e t y

When I catch people looking at me I don't know whether:

A. They are staring because they think I look nice
                               or
B. My face is like a car accident; it's tragic and horrific but you can't help but stare

I wonder what you look like
not what I see at school

but what you look like when you are doing what you love to do
whatever it is that motivates you

In my mind if that's the way we saw everybody, nobody would feel ugly

Being Human is Being Inconsistent

Nelson said in class that we contradict ourselves all the time
and I am no exception
in fact here is a summary of why my being is contradictory:

I tell myself that others opinions of me don't matter as much as my own self esteem
but I don't pick up that hairbrush because I want to

I finished my introduction post before I could even get credit
I spent 3+ hours designing and figuring out my blog
and I think of topics I'd like to post about on it
yet I haven't posted anything for 6 weeks

I love to share my taste in music and talk about music with people
I hardly ever look up songs people recommend to me unless they remind me to

I am smart enough to get straight A's in my classes
I miss a lot of school and get only ok grades

I feel tired in class and just in general
I stay up late anyway

I want to meet people in this class as if it were my first time meeting them
I feel too self conscious and shy to actually approach most of you

I wish I had a girlfriend
I don't ask girls on dates


but when it all comes down to it
I feel like I know the answer to most of these problems

I know what it is but I just don't know how

to genuinely love
myself
and feel good about
who
I
am

An Actual Introduction

I want to say a few things before I start this post
I'm still trying to figure out how I want this blog to run exactly
I believe that every part of the blog should emphasize what I'm trying to share with you
which would include things like the playlist
I've decided I'll just have it there if you want it
but it won't start on it's own so that it doesn't get in the way
All the songs have been handpicked to represent a general mood I want to have on here
so feel free to explore

With that though, certain posts will have certain vibes I want to share
so with this post, for example
go down to the bottom right corner and select

"Quiet Place" - Working For A Nuclear Free City

A place under the moon isn't some sort of novelty
it's a mental picture in which each of us can relate to each other
a state of mind that brings out sensitive emotions in all of us
a place under the moon isn't a "thing"
it's many things

A place under the moon is laying down outside
searching for stars in the hazy sky
your head is pressed against the cold hard ground
but nestled in the papery grass
you feel your heart beating as you think about the vastness of it all

A place under the moon is your hands at the wheel
driving around with the moon's reflection in the rear view
the speakers are silent because the album is over
and you wonder if they're thinking about you, too
          but you close your eyes and wince in pain
          at the realization of how unlikely that is

A place under the moon is lying in bed
examining the room as if it were the first time you'd seen it
because tonight you put your phone down
and took comfort in the dim light source that isn't a screen
as the window's blinds carried the moonlight into lines across the wall
reminding you of the simpler times in life

This blog is a quiet place for your head
This is a place under the moon

Intro

This isn't the assigned post... yet
before I make a written introduction
I have a certain song that should be playing right now

A slowed down version of "Flim" - Aphex Twin

This song represents the overall feeling this page will let you have
Very laid back, but really just a positive vibe
anything goes

I'll change it once the intro is done so it doesn't get repetitive
let me know what you think so far