Two Things

There have been two times I've cried in 2019
Not because I've only been upset twice
but because
it seems like it takes a lot to reach the tipping point past watery eyes
to actual sobbing

Today I will write about one

April 22, 2003
this date is hard for my family and I
it was six days after my little sister Ainsley was born
the birth had gone well
they were back home after only a few days in the hospital
and we enjoyed easter sunday together
and a new week began

monday morning
my mom was filling a little sick
just a slight cough and headache
and so my dad took her to the doctor
she died on tuesday






and that's how abrupt it felt
in fact I can barely remember it
because it seemed like everything was fine


I do remember the moment I heard about it though
and exactly how I felt
I was five years old
I remember the overwhelming feeling of confusion
and feeling unsure about what this even meant
I remember feeling surprised about how I wasn't crying
I remember feeling numb
I remember not knowing how I was supposed to be feeling
I remember hearing my oldest nine year old sister crying and screaming upstairs
she was absolutely hysterical
my aunt could not calm her down
but I had just walked to the side of the room
and stood still, feeling unsure
it was like somebody pushed a pin in my heart
a brief, sharp pain
but only for a moment;
confusion about how it doesn't hurt as much as it should
but it's still lodged in there
and it will only cause more pain over time



Almost every year that this day comes around
I feel very similar about it than I did back then
confusion, numbness, guiltiness
guilty because I don't think about her as often as I used to
disbelief
disbelief because it completely feels like another life
or another time that she was alive
discomfort
I am uncomfortable because when we go as a family to visit her grave
I feel completely disconnected with what they say
as it revolves around the church and the afterlife
and when I hear things about the church
it just becomes really hard to relate to what's being said
and the more I think about it the more frustrated I get because
I feel as I cannot grieve about my mom with my own family
because they see it like we are guaranteed to see her after we die
so it is only a matter of time until we can interact again
whereas I want to believe that so badly
but am more focused on the only life I know
which is here, right now
and the fact that she has been gone for 16 years
and that she will be gone for the rest of the time I'm alive and
how painful that is.
how painful that is to think about and
how we need each other so much



Earlier this year when this date came around
my family gathered together like normal
but after a bit my dad gathered us downstairs in the basement
and brought a DVD with him
we gathered on the two couches around the TV
and he put put the disc in
Instead of some sort of visuals on the screen like we were expecting
it was just a large play/pause button
an audio only disc.
After a few seconds we started hear the sound of my father
giving a speech at what sounded like a church
he was 36 then
I realized this was the talk he gave at my mom's funeral
I guess I had heard it once before
but I was too young, so it was all new to me.
Each minute passing in his talk I could hear that his voice getting shakier
the more he talked about my mom in that speech
he loved her so much
and you could hear that he was still so shocked by it all
you could hear the disbelief in his voice as he started to say it outloud.
As I started to tune into this more, I could just feel how heavy it was in the room
I was barely keeping it together
My heart was heavy
My heart was so so so heavy
It felt like I was there in the room with him
Sitting on the very front bench in the church
and that I was five years old again except now
I could feel the pain of 16 years without my mom

After we wrapped up, I said goodbye to my family and walked out to my car
I opened the door
got inside
closed the door
started the engine
slowly backed out of the driveway
I was now facing the end of my home street
as soon as I started driving forward
I just completely lost it
It was almost as if I felt all the pain from previous years of numbness catch up to me
I thought about when I was in my first years of elementary school
I would come home to a nanny
and while it was nice to have somebody there
it just never was the same
I was thinking about all the conversations and after school snacks I never had with my mom
I thought about how she would have been the support I needed in highschool
and how amazing that would have been to talk through things with her
She could be there when I was struggling with friends, or with girls
I know she would have made me go to more than the two school dances I actually went to
and that I would have been happier for it
I thought about all the pictures that we have together
and that even though I don't remember her personality so well
I remember her essence, and her glow, and her presence
and how loving she was
I thought about the fact that I only knew her when I was a toddler
and how painful the thought is that I will never be able to joke around with my mom
or have normal conversations with her
I won't be able to introduce my friends to her or
talk to her about things that I'm struggling with
or to tell her about what I'm working on
or even to brag to her and tell her my latest accomplishments and see how proud she would be
and how I will never be able to befriend her in this way.
Each of these thoughts bounced around from one to another
and I cried the whole way back to my Orem house.
I went up to my bed and laid down
and I just lied there continuing to think and feeling completely helpless


Sometimes I think about how the future is unsure
and how much more unsure it is without my mom here with me

This is the hardest thing I've ever done
and I've been doing it for so long
sometimes it's so easy to forget how hard it is

Mom,

I love you and
I really miss you

From,
    Ashton