Two Things p2

I've been debating whether or not to write about the second hard time I've had in 2019
because I feel like it's a little cliche and
I don't know how to navigate the topic in a meaningful way
so if you are reading this please bear with me

I feel like 2019 overall has been a year of improvement for me
but it has also been a confusing year because while some areas are improving vastly
I'm feeling worse in many other aspects and together it just leads to
confusion
stress
and a type of sadness that makes me feel empty

I started the year off with a very mind numbing support job
and was actually let go because of being late too many times
I've never been fired before and it hit in a way I didn't expect
The first thing I did was go home a record something on guitar to help me understand what I was feeling
The lyrics currently aren't even related to the event at all
but losing my job was the event that sparked it in the first place
..It was a very strange and foggy few weeks in January.
Fortunately I landed a job the first week of February
and it's been a really positive working experience for the most part
I even got promoted in September to a position that gives me a better sense of accomplishment
(and better pay of course) while also being less work in the long run.
So my working experience over the year has vastly improved
I also started taking a few online classes and really enjoyed my computer science class
which has helped my motivation towards finishing my education and working towards a career
so that part of my life has improved as the year went on as well.

In the last few months I've also got reinvigorated my interest in getting in shape
so I've started to eat lunch at my desk and spend my 1 hour lunch break doing some kind of workout.
I could write about some of the experiences I've had doing that on its own but that's the gist of it
I've put a heavy focus on running and after doing it for a month consistently and starting to incorporate it on the weekends I'm learning to love the type of daydreaming haze that I get into while running outside, especially with a certain type of music. I still don't know how to describe it.
I've ended up losing quite a bit of weight and hit my end of the year goal.
Overall this has contributed a lot to feeling successful in the second half of the year

Lastly I've started taking walks around the neighborhood where I grew up
after I eat dinner at my parent's house on Sunday
and it provides a very important amount of self-reflection
that I wasn't getting normally
and has led to settling a lot of important mental battles
that I usually am too tired or daunted to confront

These things together have really made me happier as the year has gone on
but the strangest part about it
has started to become apparent to me in the last few months
I've noticed that I look forward to breaks and weekends less than I normally have
noticed that a lot of times Friday nights are the most stressful nights of the week for me
that even when I do have fun nights on the weekend with friends
there's just a part of me that feels stuck emotionally
like there's a part of my heart that is hard and weighs me down like a stone
I'll say it bluntly

My free time has become more stressful than my scheduled time because I feel like each day is passing faster and that I'm not making use of it.


The feeling wasn't as prominent for most of the year
but I feel like it started to amp up in the last quarter of it
and my self-confidence was a big catalyst for it
In late January I decided to end a short relationship that I had with Emma
because I realized that each time we hung out
there were some things that we didn't have in common that I had assumed about her
and her about me
and that even though we had a lot of similarities we are actually very different people
This realization led me to end things before they got worse because I thought that they only would

The interesting thing is that it was
definitely the most serious relationship I've ever had
and that statement itself is definitely a real source of hurt for me
It's hard for me to think about
the fact that I've never found somebody that I have had a chance to grow with
or to spend time with
someone where we both just want to spend time with each other doing simple things
like going thrift shopping or talking about music
or even just sit in my room and talk to while i just lightly strum something on guitar
some kind of significant other
-the thing is when I think about this type of thing I start to self reflect and
think about what I could be doing differently and
why things aren't working right now
which normally leads to some helpful realizations and helps me shape who I am
but there's been a turning point recently where it's just spiraled out of control
and really started to play with my head
where instead of a thought looking like 'this is something i can work on'
it's more like 'why am i like this'
and I'm not sure what to do about this
to be completely honest it has built up to where I feel pretty dysfunctional in this part of my life
and I feel like I'm almost totally out of touch
and it's hard because I don't know what the right thing to do is
or even should I do anything about it?
I don't want to just be here and deal with it
because I've been doing that
and the outcome is that my heart hurts really bad
and that I just start feeling sorry for myself
and that is just not going to work for the long term

I know it's cliche and something that is not unique to me
but it's something very personal
and it's something meaningful
and that's why I'm writing about it

The second time I cried in 2019 was on Sunday October 19


Back in September when I got promoted
I moved over to a new team where most of the members I had already known pretty well
except there was a girl on the team who had started about a month or two before
and the only thing I knew about her was that she mentioned asap rocky once
was originally born in russia
and had a septum piercing
so pretty much the holy trinity if you will lol
long story short we became friends at work pretty quickly
the day before the tyler the creator concert dryden messaged me and said he had a couple extra tickets
so i asked if she wanted to come the day of
and she ended up buying the ticket from dryden
we had a good time and ended up hanging out three days after on a friday
and it went something like this
we went to a harmons and got some fresh vegetables
as we were going to make stuffed peppers for a dinner with us and two of her friends
-it's really basic but i really enjoyed going shopping with her in this setting-
we had some extra time after shopping so she put on a show
I ended up kissing her before we made dinner
and the rest of the night was just really fun meeting her two friends (who were a couple)
and finding out that I had met one of them randomly at a twilight concert a couple years ago.
at one point she was upstairs talking to her roommate the couple was downstairs with me
and they were decently drunk at this point and started spilling the beans
and telling me how the girl from work had been talking about me a bunch to them and
even showed them some of the music i had showed her
and
i just
felt really happy hearing about this.

later that night when it was just us two she told me that
i was the first boy that she invited to be around her friends for almost a year
and hearing that
as well as the way she was talking to me
in the moment it felt like we both had put a lot of trust with each other
...hearing that made me feel whole
combined with how much fun I had been having spending time with her
it made me feel whole as a person and
I don't know if i remember the last time feeling that good about anything
and especially just moments before
.   the way she looked at me was-
I don't really know the right way to describe it but the first word that comes to my head was relief
like almost like a happy cry type of relief
and I was just completely floored the more i thought about it

over the next couple of days I had some thoughts about what this meant going forward
and how that even though I had some concerns and hesitations about some of her habits
it just felt really good to be that person for her
and just to be that person for somebody even.
She ended up going out of town for the latter half of the next week to visit an old friend
and even though it sucked having her be gone for a while after this all just started
I was happy that it had even happened in the first place
and so I was fine to wait
I remember talking about it with lauren the night before she came home
and just how happy i was about the whole situation

I showed up to her house on sunday night at 8:00 like we had planned
and I knocked on her door
and instantly heard the two dogs barking as they do
but I must have waited there for about a minute with the dogs barking and no answer
so I pulled out my phone and called her to let her know I was here
she picked up and then answered the door seconds later
we walked to the kitchen and i sat down
and wanted to catch up with her after her trip.
she told me that she wanted to talk  about something and instantly i froze
she let me know that she thinks it would be better for us to continue as friends
as it would be awful if things went badly and we still had to work together
and I told her that I agree and that I had thought about this situation as well
but I failed to tell her that I was willing to try and make it work regardless
and I still am unsure whether this was a mistake or not
but it really happened just like that.
she felt sorry for making me come over just to tell me that
and so we still went out to walk the dogs for a few minutes or so
and managing to maintain small talk during that time
I really didn't know what to say as felt that I didn't know her well enough to press the issue
and that maybe it was selfish to do so just because it was really nice to not have nobody.
We got back to her porch and she said 'I'm sorry because you are really nice'
and gave me a hug.
I don't know what that means.

I walked to my car and got in
I turned the heat on and after a few seconds the bluetooth kicked in and
my car resumed playing 6 feet under the moon by king krule
which I had listened to while driving there
and i immediately stopped it as it reminded me of how upbeat i was feeling on the way over
I continued home for a few moments in silence and
I really didn't think it would happen but
my eyes were pretty wet and my heart was buried
and I realized what was gonna happen so
I did what I've made a tradition of doing when I feel like this and put on
the first two songs of "The Glow, Pt 2" by the Microphones".
It was pretty painful as I was driving home thinking about this situation
and all the unnecessary heartache I was going through.
I also was very confused based on what she and her friends had told me
and how those words hurt to think about now.
I wasn't upset because of her decision but
I really just felt like a clown for getting involved so quickly
and how much of a downer it was that things seemed to be going so well for a short while
and that it was already over
I remember specifically remember the moment when I realized how hard it was for me to get here in the first place and how the rest of the year I hadn't met anybody else really was the moment I really started to lose it.
It just kicked into sobbing and blurry vision instead of just crying and obviously listening to the microphones was a catalyst for this mess
but I needed to get it out somehow I guess
and it continued the rest of the way home
and really the last thing I remember was not wanting to be seen by family when i got back
and how my face was stinging


The hard part is that even after this
it really was all for nothing and worse
things became weird between us
and I wanted to still be friends and joke around at work
but I've just been met with coldness
I still haven't figured out a way to repair our relationship and even just function normally as friends
most of the time we just ignore each other
and so now it's like on top of that I lost a friend.
I'm not heartbroken over her specifically
but the whole thing reminded me
of how hard this has always been for me.
I think the part that's really sent me is that
it just feels like after having a discouraging year in this area of my life
it was like my heart was picked up and dropped
like even though I ended up in the same spot i started
it was so far down from where I was for a minute
it's not like I was just back to square one
I'm back there with a lot of pain
and feeling like I don't even want to move forward