"Nothing is working with me"

I don't usually write unless something's been stuck on my mind
and a lot of the time it is about things that I can't get away from

I've spent some of my extra time going on walks the past few days
because I'm trying to understand myself better
specifically with things that are hard to face
or are painful to think about
I'm doing this because
I've noticed with myself when I'm overwhelmed
or feeling a lot of tension or gloom in life
that I normally try to distract myself from those thoughts
and forget that they are going on
as a sort of self-medication
and it works
it's like taking a painkiller where
the pain is still there
but the perception of pain is taken away
and so I'm trying to get away from that
and embrace the difficult moments
to meaningfully take time to be careful with my thoughts
so that they aren't running around in my head at night
and to learn more from it
and be able to move past it

Two Things p2

I've been debating whether or not to write about the second hard time I've had in 2019
because I feel like it's a little cliche and
I don't know how to navigate the topic in a meaningful way
so if you are reading this please bear with me

I feel like 2019 overall has been a year of improvement for me
but it has also been a confusing year because while some areas are improving vastly
I'm feeling worse in many other aspects and together it just leads to
confusion
stress
and a type of sadness that makes me feel empty

I started the year off with a very mind numbing support job
and was actually let go because of being late too many times
I've never been fired before and it hit in a way I didn't expect
The first thing I did was go home a record something on guitar to help me understand what I was feeling
The lyrics currently aren't even related to the event at all
but losing my job was the event that sparked it in the first place
..It was a very strange and foggy few weeks in January.
Fortunately I landed a job the first week of February
and it's been a really positive working experience for the most part
I even got promoted in September to a position that gives me a better sense of accomplishment
(and better pay of course) while also being less work in the long run.
So my working experience over the year has vastly improved
I also started taking a few online classes and really enjoyed my computer science class
which has helped my motivation towards finishing my education and working towards a career
so that part of my life has improved as the year went on as well.

In the last few months I've also got reinvigorated my interest in getting in shape
so I've started to eat lunch at my desk and spend my 1 hour lunch break doing some kind of workout.
I could write about some of the experiences I've had doing that on its own but that's the gist of it
I've put a heavy focus on running and after doing it for a month consistently and starting to incorporate it on the weekends I'm learning to love the type of daydreaming haze that I get into while running outside, especially with a certain type of music. I still don't know how to describe it.
I've ended up losing quite a bit of weight and hit my end of the year goal.
Overall this has contributed a lot to feeling successful in the second half of the year

Lastly I've started taking walks around the neighborhood where I grew up
after I eat dinner at my parent's house on Sunday
and it provides a very important amount of self-reflection
that I wasn't getting normally
and has led to settling a lot of important mental battles
that I usually am too tired or daunted to confront

These things together have really made me happier as the year has gone on
but the strangest part about it
has started to become apparent to me in the last few months
I've noticed that I look forward to breaks and weekends less than I normally have
noticed that a lot of times Friday nights are the most stressful nights of the week for me
that even when I do have fun nights on the weekend with friends
there's just a part of me that feels stuck emotionally
like there's a part of my heart that is hard and weighs me down like a stone
I'll say it bluntly

My free time has become more stressful than my scheduled time because I feel like each day is passing faster and that I'm not making use of it.


The feeling wasn't as prominent for most of the year
but I feel like it started to amp up in the last quarter of it
and my self-confidence was a big catalyst for it
In late January I decided to end a short relationship that I had with Emma
because I realized that each time we hung out
there were some things that we didn't have in common that I had assumed about her
and her about me
and that even though we had a lot of similarities we are actually very different people
This realization led me to end things before they got worse because I thought that they only would

The interesting thing is that it was
definitely the most serious relationship I've ever had
and that statement itself is definitely a real source of hurt for me
It's hard for me to think about
the fact that I've never found somebody that I have had a chance to grow with
or to spend time with
someone where we both just want to spend time with each other doing simple things
like going thrift shopping or talking about music
or even just sit in my room and talk to while i just lightly strum something on guitar
some kind of significant other
-the thing is when I think about this type of thing I start to self reflect and
think about what I could be doing differently and
why things aren't working right now
which normally leads to some helpful realizations and helps me shape who I am
but there's been a turning point recently where it's just spiraled out of control
and really started to play with my head
where instead of a thought looking like 'this is something i can work on'
it's more like 'why am i like this'
and I'm not sure what to do about this
to be completely honest it has built up to where I feel pretty dysfunctional in this part of my life
and I feel like I'm almost totally out of touch
and it's hard because I don't know what the right thing to do is
or even should I do anything about it?
I don't want to just be here and deal with it
because I've been doing that
and the outcome is that my heart hurts really bad
and that I just start feeling sorry for myself
and that is just not going to work for the long term

I know it's cliche and something that is not unique to me
but it's something very personal
and it's something meaningful
and that's why I'm writing about it

The second time I cried in 2019 was on Sunday October 19


Back in September when I got promoted
I moved over to a new team where most of the members I had already known pretty well
except there was a girl on the team who had started about a month or two before
and the only thing I knew about her was that she mentioned asap rocky once
was originally born in russia
and had a septum piercing
so pretty much the holy trinity if you will lol
long story short we became friends at work pretty quickly
the day before the tyler the creator concert dryden messaged me and said he had a couple extra tickets
so i asked if she wanted to come the day of
and she ended up buying the ticket from dryden
we had a good time and ended up hanging out three days after on a friday
and it went something like this
we went to a harmons and got some fresh vegetables
as we were going to make stuffed peppers for a dinner with us and two of her friends
-it's really basic but i really enjoyed going shopping with her in this setting-
we had some extra time after shopping so she put on a show
I ended up kissing her before we made dinner
and the rest of the night was just really fun meeting her two friends (who were a couple)
and finding out that I had met one of them randomly at a twilight concert a couple years ago.
at one point she was upstairs talking to her roommate the couple was downstairs with me
and they were decently drunk at this point and started spilling the beans
and telling me how the girl from work had been talking about me a bunch to them and
even showed them some of the music i had showed her
and
i just
felt really happy hearing about this.

later that night when it was just us two she told me that
i was the first boy that she invited to be around her friends for almost a year
and hearing that
as well as the way she was talking to me
in the moment it felt like we both had put a lot of trust with each other
...hearing that made me feel whole
combined with how much fun I had been having spending time with her
it made me feel whole as a person and
I don't know if i remember the last time feeling that good about anything
and especially just moments before
.   the way she looked at me was-
I don't really know the right way to describe it but the first word that comes to my head was relief
like almost like a happy cry type of relief
and I was just completely floored the more i thought about it

over the next couple of days I had some thoughts about what this meant going forward
and how that even though I had some concerns and hesitations about some of her habits
it just felt really good to be that person for her
and just to be that person for somebody even.
She ended up going out of town for the latter half of the next week to visit an old friend
and even though it sucked having her be gone for a while after this all just started
I was happy that it had even happened in the first place
and so I was fine to wait
I remember talking about it with lauren the night before she came home
and just how happy i was about the whole situation

I showed up to her house on sunday night at 8:00 like we had planned
and I knocked on her door
and instantly heard the two dogs barking as they do
but I must have waited there for about a minute with the dogs barking and no answer
so I pulled out my phone and called her to let her know I was here
she picked up and then answered the door seconds later
we walked to the kitchen and i sat down
and wanted to catch up with her after her trip.
she told me that she wanted to talk  about something and instantly i froze
she let me know that she thinks it would be better for us to continue as friends
as it would be awful if things went badly and we still had to work together
and I told her that I agree and that I had thought about this situation as well
but I failed to tell her that I was willing to try and make it work regardless
and I still am unsure whether this was a mistake or not
but it really happened just like that.
she felt sorry for making me come over just to tell me that
and so we still went out to walk the dogs for a few minutes or so
and managing to maintain small talk during that time
I really didn't know what to say as felt that I didn't know her well enough to press the issue
and that maybe it was selfish to do so just because it was really nice to not have nobody.
We got back to her porch and she said 'I'm sorry because you are really nice'
and gave me a hug.
I don't know what that means.

I walked to my car and got in
I turned the heat on and after a few seconds the bluetooth kicked in and
my car resumed playing 6 feet under the moon by king krule
which I had listened to while driving there
and i immediately stopped it as it reminded me of how upbeat i was feeling on the way over
I continued home for a few moments in silence and
I really didn't think it would happen but
my eyes were pretty wet and my heart was buried
and I realized what was gonna happen so
I did what I've made a tradition of doing when I feel like this and put on
the first two songs of "The Glow, Pt 2" by the Microphones".
It was pretty painful as I was driving home thinking about this situation
and all the unnecessary heartache I was going through.
I also was very confused based on what she and her friends had told me
and how those words hurt to think about now.
I wasn't upset because of her decision but
I really just felt like a clown for getting involved so quickly
and how much of a downer it was that things seemed to be going so well for a short while
and that it was already over
I remember specifically remember the moment when I realized how hard it was for me to get here in the first place and how the rest of the year I hadn't met anybody else really was the moment I really started to lose it.
It just kicked into sobbing and blurry vision instead of just crying and obviously listening to the microphones was a catalyst for this mess
but I needed to get it out somehow I guess
and it continued the rest of the way home
and really the last thing I remember was not wanting to be seen by family when i got back
and how my face was stinging


The hard part is that even after this
it really was all for nothing and worse
things became weird between us
and I wanted to still be friends and joke around at work
but I've just been met with coldness
I still haven't figured out a way to repair our relationship and even just function normally as friends
most of the time we just ignore each other
and so now it's like on top of that I lost a friend.
I'm not heartbroken over her specifically
but the whole thing reminded me
of how hard this has always been for me.
I think the part that's really sent me is that
it just feels like after having a discouraging year in this area of my life
it was like my heart was picked up and dropped
like even though I ended up in the same spot i started
it was so far down from where I was for a minute
it's not like I was just back to square one
I'm back there with a lot of pain
and feeling like I don't even want to move forward

Two Things

There have been two times I've cried in 2019
Not because I've only been upset twice
but because
it seems like it takes a lot to reach the tipping point past watery eyes
to actual sobbing

Today I will write about one

April 22, 2003
this date is hard for my family and I
it was six days after my little sister Ainsley was born
the birth had gone well
they were back home after only a few days in the hospital
and we enjoyed easter sunday together
and a new week began

monday morning
my mom was filling a little sick
just a slight cough and headache
and so my dad took her to the doctor
she died on tuesday






and that's how abrupt it felt
in fact I can barely remember it
because it seemed like everything was fine


I do remember the moment I heard about it though
and exactly how I felt
I was five years old
I remember the overwhelming feeling of confusion
and feeling unsure about what this even meant
I remember feeling surprised about how I wasn't crying
I remember feeling numb
I remember not knowing how I was supposed to be feeling
I remember hearing my oldest nine year old sister crying and screaming upstairs
she was absolutely hysterical
my aunt could not calm her down
but I had just walked to the side of the room
and stood still, feeling unsure
it was like somebody pushed a pin in my heart
a brief, sharp pain
but only for a moment;
confusion about how it doesn't hurt as much as it should
but it's still lodged in there
and it will only cause more pain over time



Almost every year that this day comes around
I feel very similar about it than I did back then
confusion, numbness, guiltiness
guilty because I don't think about her as often as I used to
disbelief
disbelief because it completely feels like another life
or another time that she was alive
discomfort
I am uncomfortable because when we go as a family to visit her grave
I feel completely disconnected with what they say
as it revolves around the church and the afterlife
and when I hear things about the church
it just becomes really hard to relate to what's being said
and the more I think about it the more frustrated I get because
I feel as I cannot grieve about my mom with my own family
because they see it like we are guaranteed to see her after we die
so it is only a matter of time until we can interact again
whereas I want to believe that so badly
but am more focused on the only life I know
which is here, right now
and the fact that she has been gone for 16 years
and that she will be gone for the rest of the time I'm alive and
how painful that is.
how painful that is to think about and
how we need each other so much



Earlier this year when this date came around
my family gathered together like normal
but after a bit my dad gathered us downstairs in the basement
and brought a DVD with him
we gathered on the two couches around the TV
and he put put the disc in
Instead of some sort of visuals on the screen like we were expecting
it was just a large play/pause button
an audio only disc.
After a few seconds we started hear the sound of my father
giving a speech at what sounded like a church
he was 36 then
I realized this was the talk he gave at my mom's funeral
I guess I had heard it once before
but I was too young, so it was all new to me.
Each minute passing in his talk I could hear that his voice getting shakier
the more he talked about my mom in that speech
he loved her so much
and you could hear that he was still so shocked by it all
you could hear the disbelief in his voice as he started to say it outloud.
As I started to tune into this more, I could just feel how heavy it was in the room
I was barely keeping it together
My heart was heavy
My heart was so so so heavy
It felt like I was there in the room with him
Sitting on the very front bench in the church
and that I was five years old again except now
I could feel the pain of 16 years without my mom

After we wrapped up, I said goodbye to my family and walked out to my car
I opened the door
got inside
closed the door
started the engine
slowly backed out of the driveway
I was now facing the end of my home street
as soon as I started driving forward
I just completely lost it
It was almost as if I felt all the pain from previous years of numbness catch up to me
I thought about when I was in my first years of elementary school
I would come home to a nanny
and while it was nice to have somebody there
it just never was the same
I was thinking about all the conversations and after school snacks I never had with my mom
I thought about how she would have been the support I needed in highschool
and how amazing that would have been to talk through things with her
She could be there when I was struggling with friends, or with girls
I know she would have made me go to more than the two school dances I actually went to
and that I would have been happier for it
I thought about all the pictures that we have together
and that even though I don't remember her personality so well
I remember her essence, and her glow, and her presence
and how loving she was
I thought about the fact that I only knew her when I was a toddler
and how painful the thought is that I will never be able to joke around with my mom
or have normal conversations with her
I won't be able to introduce my friends to her or
talk to her about things that I'm struggling with
or to tell her about what I'm working on
or even to brag to her and tell her my latest accomplishments and see how proud she would be
and how I will never be able to befriend her in this way.
Each of these thoughts bounced around from one to another
and I cried the whole way back to my Orem house.
I went up to my bed and laid down
and I just lied there continuing to think and feeling completely helpless


Sometimes I think about how the future is unsure
and how much more unsure it is without my mom here with me

This is the hardest thing I've ever done
and I've been doing it for so long
sometimes it's so easy to forget how hard it is

Mom,

I love you and
I really miss you

From,
    Ashton

Rush of blood

The past two nights I fell asleep on accident

in bed wearing my winter jacket
it is 66 degrees in my house
 I feel a subtle sense of dread because of it
I feel cold all over
and the blankets make it worse

I'd lay in bed with the thoughts of all my past relationships
with a sense of overwhelming urgency and regret
unsure if it all meant anything at all

I thought of the time when I broke up with Brooke because she wanted to kiss me
I wonder if I would be different had I gone through with it
but at the time I thought I was too young to kiss a girl
who's to say what that even means though
a year later she told me she missed 6th grade
i told her i had moved on
i did miss 6th grade though

I thought of the time when I was dared to hug Christie at her birthday party
and subsequently messaged her on facebook, telling her i liked her
she told me she liked me back, but only because i was really nice
I thought that was a good thing
i wanted to think that was a good thing
but it bothered me
i was right to be bothered

I thought of the time I had foods class with rose
We became friends quickly, and grew closer over the next month
one day I told haley in my art class I had a crush on rose
she wrote "i love rose" all over my foods binder and art folder
rose saw it the next day and thought it was me
and she thought it was a little creepy
I usually kept to myself after that, too shameful to talk to her
that shame followed me whenever I saw her in the halls for the next 3 years of highschool
I wanted to take my art folder home but when i got it to my locker i was already being mocked by my friends
I put it in the trash can to prove to my friends i didn't care, so that they shouldn't laugh at me
I checked that trash can a year later, thinking about how badly i messed up
I still remember the projects in the folder and wonder about how great it would be to see them now

I thought of the summer after I graduated High School with Beth
a long time friend that I had started to get really close with
her best friend mckayla told me I should kiss her at the the end of senior celebration
I told her I was unsure about it
she said beth wanted me to kiss her
I decided not to, I didn't want her to know I'd never kissed anybody
one night after rafting in the creek behind my house at midnight
we snuck into my neighbors clubhouse in their backyard
which was just a shed, and the upstairs had a carpeted room with a vhs player and couches and each wall was a different color
Mckayla fell asleep on the second couch within minutes
Beth and I talked for an hour, and then she layed her head on my lap
I wanted to kiss her but it didn't feel right with Mckayla in the room
I still don't know kissing norms
We just kept talking and talked until 4:45am, when we thought we heard our neighbors walking up the steps to the backyard
i had never felt as happy in my life as i did that summer
we hung out almost every day
until she moved back to moab
without her i moved back into old habits
and the second half of summer was dreary and numb
clearly i wasnt in a good state if i couldn't take care of myself without her
i didn't see her until last january
i visited her in cedar city
i remember lying on her couch in her basement, it was completely dark except the moon was shining through a small square window in a way it never had before
I lied there and could hear the second half of mouth wooed her by animal collective playing in my head
I lied there and just felt completely floored by emotions in which I honestly can't describe
it was a spiritual experience i hope to never forget
im in tears listening to the song right now thinking about the experience
something about this experience and mine and beths relationship are related
it seems as though if everything felt natural and perfect together but there was some kind of undertone that made it not feel right
and thinking about it makes my heart ache so god damn badly

I thought of the time with eden
she was into art and her jaw dropped when i said my favorite movie was moonrise kingdom
she seemed really nice, and usually was
she lived in utah valley and i was at snow so i only saw her on the weekends
she wanted me to text her every day, but i didn't have much to say
i thought it would make it more special to see her if i hadn't been talking to her constantly inbetween weekends
after watching a few movies with her, she texted me and said "when are you ever gonna make a move on me?"
i had felt kinda glad that she was into me, but also felt awful that i wasn't able to pick up on the signs she was into me
3 weeks later I still hadn't kissed her
I had started to notice a lot of things about her bothered me a lot, but i had never had a girl been this into me so i continued with it
I was driving back to college by myself feeling horridly low self esteem about my lack of confidence to kiss her
I listened to the glow part 2 by the microphones and when he said "i faced death, i went in with my arms swinging" I remember just crying for the next few minutes and having to wipe my face so i could see the road clearly
the next weekend i walked her to her car after watching a movie and finally kissed her
but it started to go downhill from there
at that time i started to realize i didn't want my friends/family to know about her
I wasn't really proud of the lifestyle she was living and wasn't really proud to be in a relationship with her, but I just would remind myself of how awful i would feel almost all the time, thinking about how i had never kissed a girl until now, and feeling like I've been alive for 19 years but haven't experienced a basic human interaction.
i still feel awful today thinking that I thought that that mindset was justifiable

she started to be a lot more demanding
the first time we made out, she gave me two huge hickeys which I didn't know really what those were since I'd never made out or anything
the day after, I told her that wasn't cool
she said she wasn't sorry about it
she told me to cut my hair
She knew i was growing it out as a way to try something new
but still told me its not what she wanted
she tried to pressure me multiple times into smoking with her
but I wasn't about to
she would sort of make fun of me for having access to friends with weed and not smoking
she also wanted to get tattoos together
and was upset with me when i said that was definitely not something im gonna do
the last thing that happened in our relationship was a week after i moved back home for the summer, she cut contact with me completely for five days, and finally when she got back to me, she seemed irritated that i tried to reach out to her for so long
she then had a sort of meltdown and started apologizing like crazy listing all of these personal problems i had no idea about that apparently were causing her to act this way
I told her i wanted to help her, but she said she didn't want my help
that was when i decided to end it

i dont know why i let it go on as long as it did
but fortunately i left the relationship with the understanding that physical intimacy isn't worthwhile without emotional intimacy, and that instead of feeling bad for myself for not having had my first kiss, i should feel bad for not being able to say i love you
and that was something i knew going into it, but i guess curiosity got the best of me


i don't know why i decided to write this
and i don't know how long i will keep it up

all i know is that its still 66 degrees
3:04 am
and that tonight when i fall asleep im gonna mean it

post

9/9/17

I don't have too much to say right now

Today, among a few other days I was inspired to make a blog post
but today, unlike any other day
I actually made one

I don't think this blog is going to head the same direction it started in

My good friend zac ford is an enigma
but he's a good, and admiring friend
he also has inspired me to try and take a journal entry for every day
because it's always amazing to take a look back on how we used to be
so I'll start with today

Today I missed my morning classes because I stayed up late watching "the holy mountain" with ben sang, nathan adair, and jackson jenkins
It was a wild art movie that made kuso feel like nothing
Originally we were planning on hiking timp again tonight (we hiked it last month for bailey's birthday) but plans changed and we're gonna go for mt mahogany tomorrow morning
I also tried to wingman for jackson as well as for bailey
and succeeded I think
I've never intentionally third wheeled before
I don't have much to say about it except it was a new experience
Tomorrow morning should be a lot of fun, so I've got to get to bed

I hope to be back here soon

Entropy

life is a series of small miracles and forgettable events

The Void

I am motionless
my head rested at the foot of my bed
the evening sun is bleeding through my closed blinds
orange stripes
the ceiling fan whirs above me
its cycle is holding me
like an infant

I've been awake
but I cannot recollect the day
when will it be tomorrow

My body is frigid
my fingers are stiff
but my head is cooking
from my burning charcoal heart

I can feel it beating in my ears

My eyes are locked at the ceiling
but focused on nothing
another dead thought surfaces
in the back of my head

Suddenly, I am overcome with emotion
My chest weighs down on me
Every breath I take is conscious
and my lungs are fighting me
I feel motion sickness

I am overwhelmed with
Visions of the past
memories from dreams
leeching regrets
lost friends

my breaths are stuttering
the salty tears burning my eyes

the painful thoughts start to disappear
as I begin to realize
that the only thing that is important
is this bed and this ceiling fan

I am without direction
but I am hopeful

I find my way to the front door
step outside
and breathe in the toasted summer air

I don't know what tomorrow is
but I'm ready for it

Answers

I don't really know the way to describe how I feel right now

I feel nostalgic for a childhood that I never had
but it feels so real to me
I am cathartic everyday of my life

To the class of 2016

Junior year

I remember looking through my yearbook thinking

how sad I would be when I graduate because

of all the people I'd never see again

but now here I am senior year

graduation is days away

and I know exactly how I feel

Chances are I'll never see you again

and it doesn't bother me

at all

Right now you are hearing me

telling you the way I feel

and from the bottom of my heart

I sincerely do not give a shit if it is the last time that you hear my voice

but

let me tell you what does bother me

the hardest thing about graduating

from Lone Peak High School

is saying goodbye to the people

that I never even said hello to

Lone Peak Class of 2016

something like 900 people total

maybe somebody should keep a tally

800 is the number of your faces I've seen in the hall

500 is the number of first names and friends of friends

300 is the number of people I've talked to

but only 200 of those people care about the conversation

100 is the people who've thought of me outside of school

80 is the people who were only friends during that class period

50 is the people who asked me if I had plans that night

30 are strangers that I once knew

10 is the number of close friends

5 is the number of people I've cried with

4 is the hour at night my clock tells me as I lay in bed, awake and uneasy about school tomorrow

3 is the number of school dances I went to

2 many times I feel alone walking in these crowded hallways

1 is the number of people it takes to make an individual

0 is the number of suicides we've had this year
and 0 has never been so important

To the class of 2016

instead of saying goodbye

I want to introduce myself:

Hi, my name is Ashton

High on Life

If a normal life were a three book trilogy
My life would be a fan-fiction written by somebody who has only seen the movies
It never seems to go the way it should
but it don't matter
we just do what we do

I feel like sometimes we get caught up comparing our life experience to others
but it really doesn't make much sense
everybody has life experience
just because our experience is different doesn't make it less valuable
no matter how hard that is to believe at times

but
nobody says it better than Nas

"life's a bitch and then you die
that's why we get high
cause you never know when you're gonna go"

to me
I get that high from life by doing the things that I love
and last night was a great reminder of that
I drove up to the Earl Sweatshirt concert with two of my close friends
and it was one of the days where no matter what seemed to go wrong
everything felt right
it was an outdoor show and rained the entire time
the audience wasn't huge but
everybody moved as if we were one body
the air was hazy
half from the steam rising from rained-on jackets
and half from the cigarette smoke
we're all different people
but we come together for something we love

Life is never going to be consistently good or bad
but when we have chances for the highs and life
we make the best of them

We all sang along to Frank Ocean's Channel Orange album on the way home
We sang the words wrong sometimes
but we sang anyway
the album had never sounded better

I'm going to Hell

This is the truest story I can tell
These are my bones



Living here is hard for me in certain aspects
I think I would be fine if I were new to Cedar Hills, Utah
but I'm not
been here my whole life

Some people I go to school with I've known my whole life
and some I only met a few days ago
nothing special there, really
but the people that have known me longer
it feels like they have an expectation of me
to be,
and to act a certain way
to the people I met before July 2014
I'm expected to leave on my mission after High School
I am a Priesthood leader
a person with near perfect mutual and church attendance
a person with an even better school attendance
but the embodiment of that person  is gone

This is my story about why I chose to leave the LDS Church

This story isn't about who is right and who is wrong
because that only creates argument and makes people bitter
what is important, however
is the process of coming to terms that what I'd grown up believing wasn't true to me anymore
had a devastating impact on me
and today I feel good talking about it

I grew up in a very strong LDS family
we tried to read our scriptures at least a few times a week
and covered a lot of doctrine outside of the BoM as well
we went to church every week, even on vacation
we paid our tithing and said our prayers
but I would be lying if I said our family is strong outside of the church

In my family we fight like other families
but sometimes things get out of hand
sometimes it seems like the arguing never ends
My family goes to church on sundays and plans on being together for eternity
but the silence between us
as we realize we don't have anything to talk about
makes eternity seem like too much
I turn up the stereo so that it doesn't feel like a conversation is supposed to be happening

About two years ago
during an episode of watching my dad spank my little brother
for not sitting still during family prayer
I realized something profound
I realized that I was afraid of the fatherly figures in my life
which would include my dad, priesthood leaders, heavenly father, ect.
the reason I had good grades
the reason I went to church
the reason I was nice to my siblings
was because
I was afraid of the consequences
That was the moment where I realized
I did good things for all the wrong reasons

One of the big one's was church
I'd been a Deacon's quorum president
Teacher's 1st counselor
and a prominent member of the Priest's quorum at the time
I read my scripture assignments from church
and said my prayers almost every day
and I enjoyed it
but there were some things about the church I didn't enjoy
I had a few concerns with some of my beliefs that differed from that church
as well as a few controversial doctrines that always bothered me

I had been taught to love everybody, and that is something I sincerely strive for
Maybe some people made a choice to be homosexual, but it's been proven that the overwhelming majority of homosexual people are born that way.
That conflicts heavily with what the church teaches.
The church teaches that they are wrong for being that way, and that they are imperfect and that who they are, and what they do, and the air they breathe, all revolves around "counterfeit love".
That the way they feel and think about somebody when they lay in bed at night, and the emotion it brings to interact with and be a part of this person's life, is all wrong.
and why is it wrong?
they didn't choose this
this is simply how they feel
but I can't argue with God
He created them this way

wait

God created them this way?
So you're telling me that there is an ever loving god out there who created people to live life on this earth, and to feel love towards another person, and to want to be a part of another person's life and that the correct way to live their life is to do none of that.
To reject who they are
You're telling me that those missionaries that come home early and go to LDS counselors talking to them about their unnatural feelings that they had about their companion, and that when the counselors tell them to try to date women to "cure them of their disease" that you believe that is a good idea.
Isn't the whole point of dating trying to meet people and understand other people and potentially meet somebody you want to spend the rest of your life with. Not always, according to the church.
Dating and marriage aren't only reserved for those that are in love. It's for those who are trying to find an antidote to their entire existence through another person, apparently...
It isn't fair
It isn't fair for the gay missionary who knows that this relationship isn't real
It isn't fair for the naive young woman who believes they are in love.
But the story almost ends up being the same, and it encompasses the word "Misery".
Sometime down the road, one of the two will have a realization that what they have been living is a lie, and it's going to have a lifetime effect on more than just them now
Children, Parents, Siblings, everybody that knows them has to deal with it
And you sit here and tell me that all men are created equal?
I don't know if my conscience as a person lets me believe that.

But to reiterate
All men are created equal
all men born after 1978 that is.
Black people weren't allowed to have the priesthood before that year.
Are they not men like the rest of us?
I understand that issues with segregation were going on at the time
but does America's issues with society change the word of God?
Ok so maybe the new doctrine should be
"All men are created equal, sometimes"

But does "all men" encompass women too?
I've been taught that "all men" encompasses everybody, but is that really true in the church?
I understand that women have different physical parts, and different fluids running through their bodies
but why should that change who can and can't hold the priesthood
why is it that women are discouraged to get their own education and become independent people?
Well in the family household, the man is the patriarch of the family according to the church.
So women being more independent might make it harder for the man to take charge of the family like he should....
Because marriage isn't equal apparently.
Not even inside of the temple
Inside of the temple men are to "look towards God" and women are to "look to their husbands".
Why can't they both be looking to God? Or both to each other at least.

Believe it or not the temple actually was "the last straw that broke the camel's back"
or the last bit of knowledge to "collapse my shelf" as some people like to call it
Basically all of these thoughts in the last few paragraphs had been stored in the back of my head from the time that I learned about them.
Stored on a mental shelf
these are the kinds of thoughts that when you hear them you might think to yourself
"I don't know if I totally agree with that" or something along those lines
the thoughts that you can try to shrug off by saying to yourself, "well the church is true 100% so no reason to worry about it"
but its there in your head
and its totally real
everybody has it

It was on July 27, 2014 that my shelf collapsed completely.
I came home from work that night and stumbled upon a link that was a video that showed what happened during an endowment session inside of the temple.
I instantly hesitated to do anything because I had been taught my whole life that it is a sacred ordinance not a secret one, and didn't want to spoil it
At this point in my life I wasn't really looking to serve a mission
and with all these thoughts mentioned previously bothering me
I clicked on that link.

The next few minutes consisted of complete and absolute shock
I distinctly remember this thought that came to me a few minutes into the video and it came from the essence of my being and from everything I embodied as a person

"This is it. This is what my whole religion is about. I actually can't believe anything that I am watching has any parallels with my religion. This can't be the same religion"

But to my surprise it was
I would learn later that what I was watching were rituals essentially identical to masonic rituals, and that Hyrum Smith was a well known and prominent Mason.

But that was it. My shelf came tumbling down in those few minutes.
I felt pretty awful in general, but I also felt relieved and comforted to some degree
That chapter in my life was over.
Or at least I thought it was

I felt like I had no purpose in life
I had lost everything I believed in life
I had every good reason to keep believing it all though
I wanted to believe that maybe one day I would see my mother again in heaven
but not one bit of me could believe that it was through these temple rituals and handshakes
that would reunite me

In November (a few months after I had mentally quit) until the end of January
I had essentially fallen off the face of the earth
I became nihilistic about everything in my life
Sudennly, or at least it seemed
everything in my life became completely meaningless
I stopped practicing guitar
getting up for school
talking to my friends at school
doing my homework
working hard at anything, really
and during all of this the one person I used to feel like I could talk to (God)
wasn't there

I
had
nobody

I was stressed out more than I'd ever been
My eyes were bagged, and sore
I couldn't sleep easily anymore
I went to school but couldn't think
Day to day I felt dizzy
I wasn't able to function properly
My life was crumbling around me
but I just lied in the rubble and tried to sleep it all away

Eventually I started to stand up for myself
I started to understand that I was ok for thinking this way
I accepted myself for who I was
and understood that I was just trying to be the best person I could
and that whether it involved a church or not was irrelevant

in the end
the person who will be judging your life hardest
isn't the preacher you choose to listen to
it's yourself

Thanks for reading
Ashton Young

The B.I.G. Reveal !

---------------->    Click here for the reveal !    <------------------

These Moments

I was the person who made the "These Moments" journal page that Nelson showed to the class
I heard that few people thought that the idea was cool or something
and Nelson said something along the lines of "It makes me want to look up all these songs"

so

I've gone through and linked them a little behind of where the moment happens
so that you can get some context of the song
the yellow is when the moment is though, just in case you miss it

this reminds me of nelson's activity of the beautiful lines vs the tragic lines
many of these could go both ways
but click on one and listen in

these moments...

Storm - Godspeed You! Black Emporer [0:00]

Greet Death - Explosions in the Sky [5:12]

Easier - Grizzly Bear [5:12]

There Will Always Be Somebody Behind You - Maserati [3:58]

New Map - M83 [3:08]

Reedemer - Godspeed You! Black Emporer [10:25] 

(really this is less of a moment and more of a beginning of a long serene section. lasts until 21min marker for those who want to listen. One of my favorite things I've ever listened to)

Sultans of El Sur - The Mercury Program [3:45]

The Only Moment We Were Alone - Explosions in the Sky [8:23]

Cowboy Dan - Modest Mouse [2:20]

 - another great moment at [4:54] -

Marla - Grizzly Bear [1:53]

Chart #3 - Godspeed You! Black Emporer [the song]

Welcome, Ghosts - Explosions in the Sky [5:02]

Spaghetti Junction - Outkast [0:22]

Will Calls (Marfa Demo) - Grizzly Bear [1:45]

Past it Pastures - Precious Fathers [2:30]

Antennas to Heaven - Godspeed You! Black Emporer [10:10]

Ambassador of Cinema - Maserati [3:43]

Climbing up the Walls - Radiohead [4:02]

Freeze Frame Vision - Moonlit Sailor [2:46]

Svefn-g-englar - Sigur Ros [1:21]

Good Morning, Captain - Slint [6:40]

The last 3 songs close the list because they are closing songs on their respective albums

Foreground - Grizzly Bear [2:48]

Providence - Godspeed You! Black Emporer [17:40-21:00]

The Tree - Working For a Nuclear Free City [the song]

I understand this is a bunch to look at/listen to, but if nothing else check out the last 3

Please comment one of your favorite moments

Small Victories

Click here before you read the post


This week was a win for me

- I looked through old recordings of myself from 2012-2014
- I was excited to go to school
- Enjoyed a good time with old friends
- Found two jackets that were previously missing
- Found an old Kanye West CD that I had forgotten about since it was missing for something like six years. It sounds fantastic in my car
- No more attendance school for term 3 thank god


Although this week wasn't a loss for me
it was a loss for the world
Today I found and read this:

"Knowing that an individual death is meaningless - any individual
death, especially your own - that you are not a person, but a statistic
- and noticing, more each day, the countless deaths that occur around
you - of other people, of animals, of insects, of the sick and infirm, of
accident victims, of plants ripped from the earth and worms crushed
beneath the blades of plows - of authors in their rooms, scribbling out
desperate words in the backs of books no one will ever read- even the
shattering of molecular bonds, the disintegration of atomic structures,
happening in every moment, millions in each nanosecond, everywhere -

This is Deathconsciousness -
And It begs the question - “What is the point?"'

When I first read that I thought about a recent headline
about another bombing in an Iraq park
I thought about that headline
and how it included a number
it includes the number of people killed
a statistic
just like it said

It's awful
It's terrifying
It's depressing to think about the future of us
The future of you and me is depressing
We are the first generation in American history
that is expected to do worse financially than our parents
and with things like
pollution
terrorism
hatred
racism
political correctness
..how the hell are we supposed to take it on?

They say the future is uncertain, but I'm certain the future isn't something to look forward to

Why Are You so Afraid?

Fear is one of the most confusing emotions I've ever experienced

Why is it that fear is so varied
and so inconsistent

How is it that some people see clowns
and have chills sent through their back
but others see clowns and think of
the sun-blistering heat of a summer carnival

Does this mean that fear is a learned behavior?
but if that's the case

then why do most people have a common fear of spiders
or death
or heights

I would propose that it is because we are
uncertain of the outcomes
but we don't want to test it ourselves..

"What happens when we die?"
"How long would it take for me to fall from here.."
"......where did that spider go??"

But why do we have to know?
Why are we as humans so afraid of not knowing things

How do we even know that the fear I experience
is the same feeling that you call fear
how can both of these scenarios both describe real fear
when they are on such different levels

1. "I'm afraid of going up and saying hi to that girl"
2. "I'm afraid that my hopitalized mother isn't going to make it through the night. Who could ever replace her?"

I would argue that
it is completely embarassing
that those two things are both real fears
when the consequences aren't even comparable

Whoever wrote the book on fear must have died in the process
because I'm not convinced that he knew what he was talking about

fear is many things, and I don't know them all

the more I try to learn about fear
the less I understand about it
and that's terrifying

maybe the less I know

the better

Code of Life

Please prove to me that you aren't a robot
that what you have to say
is coming from a beating heart

Comment on here
the song that makes you feel alive
something that is so universal
it's almost tangible

I mean I'm not talking about the coolest word scheme
or the dopest beat or whatever
not even the most soulful singer
but just something plain and simple
something that everybody can have a sense of

This is a sense of nostalgia
This song makes me feel like I was 7 years old and
I would lay in the top bunk of my bed and stare at the white ceiling
the night light would illuminate the vague outlines
of the pasted ceiling and I would
make shapes in my head
of the ceiling
and make shapes
in my head
of all the things in life
and just
how simple life was
how simple it could be

This is my proof

Objects Permanence

The title of our journal page is
"I'd Like My Crayons Back Please"
but I'm not going to pretend like
my box of crayons isn't on a dusty shelf in my room
because that's exactly where they are

I'm an artist, a musician, a friend
I carry my "crayons" with me wherever I go
but If my crayons could talk
they would tell you
how much potential I had
and all of the things that I didn't create with them

They would tell you about how rarely I use them
and how they only get used enough
to keep the dust from collecting

At the end of the day
crayons are just tools
and what are tools without somebody to use them

Although

Without crayons life would be like a school hallway
lined with pictures that each child drew
and all of them were in black pen
There would be no expression
and
I can't express myself like I can
with my crayons

Maybe it's time that I take out some new coloring books...

Feeling Fresh

Different is not comfortable

but different is good

Today I was different because I posted on my blog

Yesterday I was different because I didn't go to work

In fact I quit my job

My life isn't worth 8$/hour right now because

I have the rest of my life to do that

I went with a friend I don't see too often and we rode ripstiks and longboards

down a hill in his neighborhood that I don't know

I got lost in the feeling of the sunlight on my arm

I felt the shivers and the happiness from being free for now

I did something different by inviting new people to a campfire

we listened to folk music and classic punk

as we roasted our brats on the sticks that we carved

Somebody started playing guitar and I started playing the harmonica

and he sang words to a song that none of us knew

not even himself

but we all knew how important this song was right now

I was different because instead of worrying about issues right now

I put my faith in the thought that I won't be here much longer

and that I can start a new life when I leave to go to college

I can get a fresh start

and fully experience and understand who I am

Different is not comfortable, but you quickly learn make yourself cozy

A place inside yourself

I wish that I could look into a mirror and not recognize who I am looking at
that I could see myself for the first time
because that way I could see what I look like from the viewpoint of a stranger
I wonder what a stranger would see
I wonder what you personally will think of me when we reveal who we are

I've known myself my whole life
and I know that when I look into a mirror
there is one thing that has always come to mind

u n s u r e t y

When I catch people looking at me I don't know whether:

A. They are staring because they think I look nice
                               or
B. My face is like a car accident; it's tragic and horrific but you can't help but stare

I wonder what you look like
not what I see at school

but what you look like when you are doing what you love to do
whatever it is that motivates you

In my mind if that's the way we saw everybody, nobody would feel ugly

Being Human is Being Inconsistent

Nelson said in class that we contradict ourselves all the time
and I am no exception
in fact here is a summary of why my being is contradictory:

I tell myself that others opinions of me don't matter as much as my own self esteem
but I don't pick up that hairbrush because I want to

I finished my introduction post before I could even get credit
I spent 3+ hours designing and figuring out my blog
and I think of topics I'd like to post about on it
yet I haven't posted anything for 6 weeks

I love to share my taste in music and talk about music with people
I hardly ever look up songs people recommend to me unless they remind me to

I am smart enough to get straight A's in my classes
I miss a lot of school and get only ok grades

I feel tired in class and just in general
I stay up late anyway

I want to meet people in this class as if it were my first time meeting them
I feel too self conscious and shy to actually approach most of you

I wish I had a girlfriend
I don't ask girls on dates


but when it all comes down to it
I feel like I know the answer to most of these problems

I know what it is but I just don't know how

to genuinely love
myself
and feel good about
who
I
am